Updates

So, It's been quite a long time since my last blogger update, and there's a lot to fill you in on, so here goes.

I started school in June 2009 at St. Philip's College in San Antonio. I took Anatomy and Physiology I and II and Life-Span Psychology. I got into the New Braunfels Extension Campus Vocational Nursing program, and began those classes at the end of August. I made it through the first semester basically unscathed, and, while I was ready for the holiday break, and I was even more ready to get back to classes and finish so that I could get my LVN certificate and get to work.

The kids were in school at Grace Lutheran PreSchool, and they loved it, and I loved it. They were learning so much, and they had lots of friends, and their teachers were incredible.

But over the Christmas break, I realized that I could not afford to go back to school for the spring and summer semesters. The school was charging an extra $700 special program tuition, which all the nursing students were led to believe was a one-time fee charged in the first semester. But that apparently was not the case. After that $700, I would have had $50 left over from my financial and and student loans to buy books. I thought about taking out another loan, so that I could continue, but by the time it would have gone through, the semester would have been half over, and we just couldn't afford to go that long. We had missed our December rent and were not going to have the money to pay for January rent, either.

We had a meeting with CCDS, to get our daycare partly payed for, and we realized that when Kalin worked over all the holidays, his paycheck would be rather large. This was good for us because we needed the money, but CCDS bases what they pay off what Kalin makes, and those very large paychecks would have cause us to not get any part of the boys' daycare covered, and we simply couldn't afford to do that.

On top of all that, my clinical rotation group was scheduled to meet in San Marcos three days a week, and we knew we couldn't afford for me to drive back and forth too San Marcos three days a week, and since we live so far out, I knew that no one from school would be willing to drive all the way out to my house to come get me to give me a ride.

All in all, it just wasn't in the cards for me to go back to school this semester, but it still really sucks. While I love my kids to death, I really miss school and my friends there. While I was in school, I felt like I was part of a group. And now that I'm home all day with the boys, I feel really cut off and alone, even with Kalin around. I'm not saying anything about our relationship, don't get me wrong. Our relationship is absolutely wonderful. But there is a difference between hanging out with your spouse and two young children, and hanging out with other adults that you can debate with and joke around with. Our conversations at home generally revolve around the kids, money and what to cook for lunch or dinner. At school, my conversations with my friends were random and unpredictable and that's what made it so fun.

In the midst of all this, my brother moved in with us in September, and that has put a strain on everything. He's trying really hard, but he's struggling. Some nights he comes home, others he doesn't and it's getting harder and harder for me to be patient with him. I want him to get better, I want him to get off parole and be able to live a normal life and be a good example to my kids. But at the same time, I don't want my kids to grow up the same way I did - with a monster roaming the house, coming and going at all hours of the night, and never knowing if he was in a good mood or a bad mood and what he might do. I'm so torn between doing what is best for Dustin, and what is best for my kids. If we kick Dustin out, he has no where else to go. No one else will take him because he has burned all those bridges and he knows it. I just don't know what to do about him...

Before I went back to school, I remember feeling lonely and cut off from the rest of the world, and now I feel that way again. I get to see the same 4 people every day, and no one else - unless I'm grocery shopping or something equally mind-numbing. With the kids at home with me all the time, I don't really get time for myself any more, and I don't have time to "get away" in any way shape or form. I wake up before they do so I can shower and get dressed, then I put together breakfast for them. We play and do some fun stuff before nap time, then I wash dishes, and do some general cleaning before getting lunch together and waking them up. After lunch, they play for a while, then we do some more activities and then I get dinner ready. Then I wash more dishes, put the kids to bed and start all over.

I'm trying to lose about 20 pounds, so somewhere amongst all that mess I have to find time to run or something to help lose this weight. There are so many things I wanted to do this year: Lose weight
Grow nails out
Get rid of acne
Spend more time with kids
Cook better and with more variety
Keep the house cleaner
Get rid of excess junk in house
Get scrapbooks up to date for boys


just to name a few. But I can't seem to get to any of those because I'm constantly watching the kids... I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm losing my patience at an astounding rate, and some days I just can't seem to relax because I'm so stressed out about everything...

But anyways... those are my updates for today. I hope I didn't bore you too much... Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! :D